ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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