i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
