My nipple is on Facebook.
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
