she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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