rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
i need to put some appletini on your dick
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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