I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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