Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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