I need to stop coming to work sober
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
