if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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