I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
