I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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