i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
