he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
There's even glitter on my cock...
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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