Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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