I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
