Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
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I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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