Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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