Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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