So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
