I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
