Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
