I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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