$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
