just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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