I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
