So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
