you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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