got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
