We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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