I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Randomize
