I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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