I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
