Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
