i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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