the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
