It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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