if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
