woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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