Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
