Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Randomize
