On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
