Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
