oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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