I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
