Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
