i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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