Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
