Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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