Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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