cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Someone shattered a urinal.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
