ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
