Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
