my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
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