Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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