I accidentally had phone sex last night
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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