Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
