The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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