if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Welp...herpes.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
