Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
