you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Randomize
